miserafuckingble

I am miserable.

That is the only word I can conjure up right now because I've felt sad before. And desolate. And helpless and lonely and sooooo goddamn melancholic but never have I felt all these crummy emotions at the same time and for such a long period of time. Nigel just booked in yesterday and the prospect of having to endure 2 whole bloody weeks of hell alone, and more importantly without him, is just so SHITTY

And I keep having these bouts of sudden gushes of sadness and I have to use every ounce of energy in me to stop the tears from coming especially when I'm in school. I do hate when people tell me to stay strong because Nigel didn't die, he's only doing his NS and they have no idea what it feels like! And because it was Valentine's Day I got loads of pity presents which just makes me feel worse.

Talking about feeling worse, I keep feeling super guilty at stupid things like the 7 eleven gummies Nigel left which I was supposed to bring for him the day before he enlisted but I forgot and they're still in my fridge and I just feel so crappy about being so horrible to him. And when we woke up to get ready yesterday, I was grouchy because he kept snoozing and we had to rush and I pushed him away when he gave me my morning pecks and it is quite minor BUT OH GOD I FEEL TERRIBLE and my mind keeps going back to all those times we fought and I just regretted all of it because we could have been spending that time having fun and being happy

And today I had to drop by his place after school to get some stuff and the walk up the stairs which used to be filled with excitement and trepidation just felt painful and lonely and once I got in the house I kept expecting to see him when I turned around but there was nothing I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't think I can be in his house alone. I'll just go when his mom is there to keep her company.